Respect. Trust. Learning.

2007-03-24T09:10:00.000+08:00

Communication. Ability to share. Balances.

I can't stress enough how vital communicating with each other is. I simply can't.

Even after my post on communication eons ago, misunderstandings and false expectations still came up, simply because we dropped into complacency, into expectations and more importantly, assumptions, the both of us. We'd gotten so used to each other we thought it easier and better to simply try to mind-read and assume what the other was thinking or feeling.

How many times must the cycle go on? How many times must this happen before we both learn that this is not the way to go? How many times before we drop our (my) damned pride and start talking about how we really feel about things?

Balances: it's all about balances.

But balance has never been so difficult to attain.

2007-02-18T21:25:00.000+08:00

Love is a possibility, made into a choice. A choice that you keep making, over and over.
- "Golden," Cameron Dokey

2006-12-23T01:44:00.000+08:00

Az - Holiday Armadillo says:
if we ever get married, what would be the first thing you'd say to me on the first night as husband and wife?

Casey: A dark phoenix; we laugh and laugh because we have no more tears left to cry says:
i know!

Casey: A dark phoenix; we laugh and laugh because we have no more tears left to cry says:
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!"

Az - Holiday Armadillo says:
WAHT THE??????

Casey: A dark phoenix; we laugh and laugh because we have no more tears left to cry says:
hee

Casey: A dark phoenix; we laugh and laugh because we have no more tears left to cry says:
and yups. "wheeee"

Az - Holiday Armadillo says:
laughs

Az - Holiday Armadillo says:
you'd be that happy huh?

Casey: A dark phoenix; we laugh and laugh because we have no more tears left to cry says:
double wheeeeeeeeeeeee

Az - Holiday Armadillo says:
lol

Az - Holiday Armadillo says:
ok. ur turn

Casey: A dark phoenix; we laugh and laugh because we have no more tears left to cry says:
same question. plus, what would be the first thing you'd do once we're alone

Az - Holiday Armadillo says:
thing i'

Az - Holiday Armadillo says:
thing i'd say: "I proposed!"

Casey: A dark phoenix; we laugh and laugh because we have no more tears left to cry says:
AHAHAHAHAHA

---

Inside joke. Don't ask. Laughs!

2006-12-09T23:05:00.000+08:00

It's been quite a long time since we've been together.

We've been talking about serious matters, about learning, and about a lot of other things for so long that I feel that we've almost run out of things to discuss in-depth about.

It's been a year and four months. No, it isn't long, as compared with others who've been in longer relationships. But it's been quite some time for us, and we've learnt so many things we've almost covered everything. Almost.

I think that after all this time, it's gone beyond a point of learning more about each other, or even learning about each other: how we are, how we tick, and all that.

It's come to a point where it's almost all about tolerance, understanding, and most of all, acceptance, that the person is the way he is, with his good points, and his foibles; with his quirks and his habits; with all his passions and sorrows and grief and fears and dreams. It's about learning how to be together.

It's about change, and about how one shouldn't, and cannot force the other to change simply for the relationship, or for selfish reasons. If the person wishes to change, he must do so because it is simply his own desire, not the desire of the other, not even changing because of the desire of the other person to make him better. It must come from within.

"Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less."
- Rabbi Julius Gordon

2006-11-27T09:05:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, going through so much adversity together can be tiring. Frequently, it can be more than downright exhausting. And there will be so many times either side would want to give up, simply out of sheer weariness, or because of fear, because of pain, because of past ghosts of memories haunting the present.

But, after knowing what's going through in the relationship with a long-sundered acquaintance, I found myself being thankful for the adversities we've gone through. Or, maybe I should say: I found myself being thankful for the lessons we learnt; more speficially, I learnt.

It took the hardships (long discussions and fears about religions; talking about our past wounds; dealing with present stresses and demands by ourselves and by others; tight tempers and frayed nerves...you get the idea) to build up a certain level of trust, of knowing that when things go wrong, one can count on the other as much as possible.

It takes a certain level of trust in the other not to possess him, nor smother him, or deny him his freedom. And the trust came by fighting on, by falling down, either one or the other or both, by forgiving again and again.

Lessons learnt.

Love and a relationship is like a venn diagram: two separate circles, A and B, overlapping only at a certain area of similarity and a *choice* to share.

A relationship is a choice of both parties to share a part of their lives with another. One does not belong to the other; there is no possession, only a conscious decision to stay, to remain.

2006-11-08T22:14:00.000+08:00

Never let anger cloud your judgement.

More tmr morning. Something I defintely want to share.

And now, 2 days later, I've forgotten what I've wanted to type. >.<

---

after much being annoyed*

---

Lo and behold, I've remembered! *hint to STOP PRAWNING*

I don't think there ever is such a thing as a couple not having an argument even once in their relationship. They'd argue about cheating, why they didn't call the other, or even where to eat.

But that's not the point of this post.

Point is, how we resolve the argument, and whether we'd get a compromise, settlement, resolution, etc.

To get to that point however, one has to be of stable mind, and be clear in thought. One has to be calm, and not let emotion get in the way of understanding why the argument came about.

Especially anger.

It's easy to get carried away in the heat of the moment, I know. I've been there before, and been there recently. We had an argument about a small petty thing, and while the misunderstanding could've been simply resolved, we just somehow got caught in the heat of the moment.

We got annoyed by each other, and that became anger, and before long, we started to resent the other, etc. All because of a simple misunderstanding.

I don't really know what else to say. To me, the story says it all. If need be, argue it out, get angry and all. But make sure that you think clearly after that, and not remember or base your thoughts on the anger that has passed.

Peace...

2006-10-26T23:20:00.000+08:00

What defines a nice day?

No, it's not when you win the lottery.

Neither is it when you get laid by someone you've been trying to hook up with.

It's not when you get an expensive gift.

And it sure as hell isn't when you meet your in-laws.

Watching a movie together might constitue a nice day.

I sincerely doubt lousy food will.

Perhaps a night under the stars is a nice day.

Or even a picnic out on the beach.

But you know what's a nice day to me?

It's not what we do for or with each other, or where we go. It's when I see you smile a content, and happy smile. It's when I see you smile almost every moment of the day, and I smile as well. It's when... after quite a long time, we're just, well, truly enjoying each other's company, and being happy.

Now THAT'S, a nice day.

And you know what? Today was one such day.

Here's to more.

Smiles.

Peace...

---

Added at 11.30pm by Casey

A nice day also includes chilled coconut with very sweet juice and soft flesh.

A nice day is when we both make a mess out of things, but laugh with each other and continue enjoying ourselves.

A nice day is good company, feeling warmth, and having hugs.

Yay for today. =)

2006-09-21T22:17:00.000+08:00

"Everyone can have sex. But not everyone can handle sex." - Lilybird

That's a quote taken from one of the anonymous commentors and contributors of a book Az and I had read quite a while ago. The word "sex" caught our attention, and both of us decided to read it together, and discuss the issue.

I don't really know how to get this post started. I mean, it's not an easy topic to discuss that openly with everyone out there.

Maybe I'll begin by asking a question: how do you know when you're ready to start having sex?

We went through a phase just a few months ago, where the topic of making love was always on our minds. We wanted to: we both really wanted to. We'd discussed it for months on end, trying to be logical and having common sense about the "responsibilities and dangers of pre-marital sex."

For everyone's information: no, we didn't do it.

Why?

We're not ready. We're both not ready for the consequences. Even if we put aside things like pregnancy and safe sex by using pills and condoms and other what-nots, the issue which weighed the most on our minds is: how will we be after the act itself?

Sure. For any two people who claim to be "so in love," it's extremely easy to say (and to use as an excuse) that they both want to use sex as an act of "making love" and establishing a deeper connection.

While I don't deny that that can happen, the reverse can frequently also be true: that after doing it, one or both parties find that they regret the act for no other reason than the fact that they weren't mentally/spiritually/whatever-ly prepared for it.

So, when will we (or anyone for that matter) ever know we're ready?

Maybe when we both know that we want to do it without feeling that it's lust or raging hormones compelling us to do so; maybe when we both want to take that step with as clear a head as we both can; maybe after we've both talked the topic to death and finally feel that the time is right and we are willing to face whatever consequences to ourselves; maybe when we both feel like we will be able to help each other truly make love and know that that is indeed what feels right on the most basic level.

Till then, we'll wait.

We'll wait for the right time. The most responsible time. The most logical time. And most of all, the most respectable and truly... well, "right" time.

2006-09-21T01:05:00.000+08:00

2 sides of a coin. 6 sides of a cube. Black and white, colour, or sepia. Top, bottom, plain view. There're always many sides or views to an issue, regardless of what it is.

One should never judge whether a person is black or white, right or wrong, naughty or nice till you get to know him or her, or see from their eyes. They may see it as one way, while you see it in another. In some instances, that'll help resolve the issue. Other times, it may actually cause conflict.

This applies to relationships as well.

What one might see as an extremely romantic way to spend a date, going out for dinner at a French restaurant and all may be seen by the other as really expensive, and barely afforadable. That's just for starters.

To get right to the point, have you ever asked yourself (or the other for that matter) this question: Why do you love me?

I mean, you could see yourself as a bratty, whingey, spoilt brat or someone who only likes to burden others at your own whim. You could see yourself as the worst person in the world to get together with, and others should sure as hell stay away from you. Heh. Fine, I'm exaggerating, but yeah. That's what most of us usually have: an inferiority complex of always thinking that we're never good enough, and that there're others who'd be better for that one person we like or love.

We'd think we could never make them happy, and they'd be better off without us being in their lives, let alone as someone to get together with in a relationship.

But that's the thing. We only tend to think based on what WE see. Not the other. We never usually think aout what the other thinks, feels, sees, and usually depend on common thought: that they hate you, despise you, thinks you're ugly, whatever.

What I'm trying to say... is that instead of always thinking from your side, try to imagine yourself from the other's eyes. What do they feel, what do they see in the relationship? You'd be surprised sometimes as to what you might discover. I mean, for all you know, you might just discover that they're scumbags who just want to get laid.

On the other hand...you might see that, despite all your bad characteristics and what-nots, they still love you. They accept you for who you are, and sometimes, try to change you for the better, whether in your views or character. You'll see...or feel, what they go through to be with you whenever you're down or happy, angry or jubilant, tearful or joyful. You'll get to see their point of view, on what they think is worth or not, that sometimes, you being sad really sometimes gets them down as well, and when you're happy, well, they feel accomplished? Happy? Relieved? Smile?

So, the next time the question of "Why do you love me?" pops about, think about it. You'll either discover that they're not worth it, etc. Or, God willing, you'll find more reason to love than before.

Truly.

Peace...

2006-08-14T23:30:00.000+08:00

Celebrations for anniversaries should never follow the stereotype shown on TV.

It was something Az and I agreed about. I mean, no matter how well-planned a date or celebration is, things are bound to go wrong. So, does either party become anal and sulk like a child at a thing unfulfilled? Or should the person who planned the celebration fret till his or her brain explodes?

Neither.

We celebrated our first year together today, spending the whole day together.

He came over in the morning to heat up sauce for the pasta he'd already cooked at home. Cream sauce with herbs mixed with mozerella is brilliant, though the saltiness could have been toned down a wee bit. But it was okay. It was nice seeing him busy himself at the stove again. *grins*

Exchanged our gifts after we finished eating (will post the pictures of them below). Then it was off to watch a show we've eyed since before it came out: Helen the Baby Fox. It was a Japanese production, a very simple show about a young boy who took care of a baby fox which was blind, deaf and mute. He taught Helen how to strive to live, and the show portrayed the importance of leading a fulfilled life. We were both gushing about the show for quite a bit after that.

After lunch, it was off to the Police Cantonment Complex to do some stuff. And then we hung around nowhere to spend time together, before heading to Newton Circus hawker center for our planned seafood dinner.

It was there that things went wrong a bit. We both really wanted to have seafood, and had been planning for quite a lot of months. But when we reached the place, it was barricaded, and we realized that either the renovated hawker center hadn't opened yet, or that the stalls weren't opened because it was a Monday.

Slightly disappointed, we still decided to work around things, and had just as good a time at Coffee Bean, sharing two muffins and drinks, and just reminiscing about old times, and how far we've both come.

The whole point of sharing what we did, is to show that though things might go wrong, the most important thing is not the anniversary nor the celebrations themselves. What is important is that each celebration together reveals a simple beauty in the time spent together, remembering and honoring what both of us went through together, and how we helped each other grow.

It is a joyful thing for any two people in a relationship, if they can one day say, "He or she is both my lover and my best friend."

---

His gifts:

A collage of all the pictures we took, and times we spent together, made into a jigsaw. His letter is pasted at the back.

A t-shirt printed with the quote: "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." - Flavia Weedn.

8.1 megapixel Samsung camera. >.<

My gifts:

A dreamcatcher I made. A dreamcatcher was the first gift Az gave to me as a friend.

Sand art spraypainted in silver and decorated with a few plants and a shell. Words on it are: "Two strangers staring, yet each seemed familiar; common grounds formed from pain and fear." Lyrics from the song Az and I wrote.

Compilation of all of The Grey Path's entries until August 12, 2006. Our hand- and footprints were included. =)

My letter to him. Designed with feathers, a plant, and a snakeskin we both found.

Misc.:

Cairnhill Community Club: where we talked and decided to give things a try.

Our dinner. LOL.

Nice macro shot of a muffin by Az.

Dinner done.

---

A simple celebration, a beautiful day.

Remembering and honoring...

---

Added by Azri on 16th August 2006, 2030.

I honestly wanted to add something to this post, but after reading it again, I find there really isn't anything else to add. All I can say is this.

I think it's easy for one to say that the best things in life are the simple ones. Simple dinners. Simple meals. Simple outings. But what I find unfortunately in some relationships is that they use simplicity as an excuse to be a total cheapskate.

Now, it's not that I'm asking anyone to spend a lot on the other or on the relationship. I think it's a little too much to think that a relationship is dependent on the amount spent. Hell no. I think what people need to really do, is find the real meaning of simplicity.

Yeah I know it's a little too easy to just say it. Truth be told, I'm still finding out the simple things that make us happy. But I can say this:

I was happy that day, just having her around, sharing happy moments. That day, we both smiled in a way that both of us should smile more often.

We were happy. And that's what mattered most. =)

Peace.

2006-08-12T00:01:00.000+08:00

To celebrate this special moment...

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." - Flavia Weedn

Fate still has our paths crossed, and amidst all that we've been through, our ups and downs, our joys and sorrows, our tears and laughter, we've still, somehow, managed to still hold each other, and tell the other that he or she is not alone. And I for one, am hoping fate will leave our paths crossed for as long as possible.*hugs tight*. I love you mon cherie. Happy anniversary... =)

Two strangers staring, yet each seemed familiar
Common grounds formed from pain and fear

2006-08-11T23:38:00.000+08:00

Current date: August 11, 2006

Current time: 11.30pm

In about 30 minutes more, it'd be August 12, 2006. Exactly one year since Azri and I have gotten together.

After all our posts about such serious topics, we've decided to end off our first year with something a little lighter: quotations about what love is, or should be. =)

Both of us hope that we've been able to share our experiences about how we've handled our relationship in a mature way, and we definitely have learnt some lessons from some of you as well. So this post is also dedicated to you.

---

1. You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.
- Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"

2. Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Wind, Sand and Stars, 1939, translated from French by Lewis Galantiere

3. We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them, and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
- Author unknown

4. Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you haven't really learned anything.
- Muhammad Ali

5. Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
- William Shakespeare, Mid-Summer Night's Dream, 1595

6. Anybody can have sex, but not everyone can handle sex.
- Lilybird

7. Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough.
- Dinah Shore

8. The biggest obstacle to love, is the secret fear of not being worthy of being loved.
- Jean Pablo Valdes

9. Every lesson is a widening and deepening of consciousness. It is a stretching of the mind beyond its conceptual limits and a stretching of the heart beyond its emotional boundaries. It is a bringing of unconscious material into consciousness, a healing of past wounds, and a discovery of new faith and trust.
- Paul Ferinni

10. Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that.
- Michael Leunig

11. Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime; therefore, we must be saved by hope. Nothing which is true, or beautiful, or good, makes complete sense in any immediate context of history; therefore, we must be saved by faith. Nothing we do, however virtuous, could be accomplished alone; therefore, we must be saved by love. No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as it is from our own standpoint; therefore, we must be saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness.
-Reinhold Niebuhr

12. All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon sand.
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

13. He's doing okay. He knows he has support from all of you. Most importantly, he seems to believe that you'll let him fall if he has to, but that you'll be there right beside him. He knows he doesn't have to deal with this on his own. That's the key.
- Lifted from "When I Fall" by Aussie Nightwriter

14. You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry.
- Author unknown

15. The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.
- Quoted by Alexandra Penney in "Self"

16. Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
- Rose Franken

17. Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.
- Bruce Lee

18. Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.
- Swedish Proverb

19. Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
- Marcel Proust

20. You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with.
- Wayne W. Dyer

And, to end off, this is a quote which hit both Az and I deeply:

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.
- Michel de Montaigne.

Two strangers staring, yet each seemed familiar
Common grounds formed from pain and fear.

2006-07-24T17:34:00.000+08:00

Just to remind me on what to post tmr morning when I get back from work

"Isn't it amazing how couples always try to outdo each other in every way possible especially when it comes to special moments? Food for thought."

Heh.

---

Ok. I know I was supposed to have posted this earlier, but so sue me. Was occupied in the morning, and resting in the afternoon, so yeah. Boo.

Anyways, to the topic at hand. Ever notice that? Wherever we are, whatever we do, we always try to do outdo each other, even when it comes to who can make the other blush/embarrassed more (this one though I rule. Heh).

Every which way you look at it, we always try to outdo the other. Whether it's due to not wanting to look inferior, cheapskate, unromantic, or even just cos of ego.

Personally, it's a little of everything. And just sincerely wanting to let the other know how much I think of her, and how much her happiness means. Ok ok, it's also ego, but yeah. *coughs*

My point though in all this, is this: where do we draw the line in wanting to impress the other, and making sure you yourself don't end up in a rut, or get in trouble just for a few moments of happiness?

It's amazing how some would buy expensive stuff for their other without even a bat of the eyelid. They don't think about their financial status, whether it really is worth it, and most of all, what the other will really think of it.

Take for example the subject of food. To most people, it's absolutely not right for the gal to pay for a meal, or for anything for that matter. Everything has to be paid for by the guy. No leniency whatsoever, even if the guy's almost broke and the gal has plenty of moolah in her purse, wallet, whatever.

Then there're the guys who think that by buying the most expensive gift they can think of, they'll immediately impress the gal, and get "loved" more, without thinking about the fact that perhaps it's not the price of the gift that matters, but the sincerity.

I guess what I'm trying to put through, is that in a relationship, it's not right for it to be all one-way. It takes two to tango. Sure, a healthy competition or one-upmanship is natural, and even encouraged actually. But be reasonable. If you don't have the means to, don't. The expensive restaurants or gifts can wait for another time. Sometimes, it just doesn't matter. Really.

Other things do.

It's okay to let the lady pay for it, and it's also okay if the gentleman dotes on you once in a while. As long as it's equal, and balanced. And most of all, as long as it doesn't ruin the relationship or your own life.

So... yeah. Food for thought, ladies and gentlemen. Heh.

Peace.

2006-07-15T23:03:00.000+08:00

Bad things will always happen to the best of us. Bad things will happen to you whether you're an atheist, a monotheist, a polytheist believing in a pantheon, or other what-nots. They will happen, whether you pray, or not; whether you pray to a deity or to the devil or not.

All right, I digress.

Bad things will happen, knocking you down, trying to make you stay down. How do you get back up again?

You can do it alone, or you can do it with help: from family, from friends, from loved ones.

Pity. Sympathy. Empathy.

Who with dignity would welcome pity and sympathy from anyone, much less from friends? Who likes having his loved ones seeing him down in the dumps like that, knowing that they do care, and want to help, but the concern and help is/might be mixed with pity and sympathy with empathy.

Empathy is a feeling of understanding and compassion between two people, knowing that what happened to one has the possibility of happening to the other. Pity and sympathy are merely feelings of, "Oh, you poor thing." At least, according to me.

I'll post up what I discussed with Orca over IM on the subject:

Orca: That's true, the latter, but we must look beyond simple pragmatism. There are things logic cannot explain, like love and altruism. We are not machines, we are living beings capable of empathy even when so distant from the touch of pain that touches us over great divides, even if we are so isolated and helpless. It is actually painful, being deeply concerned about something but so wretchedly unable to do anything about it. Whether of someone else, or our own.

And the least the social creature can do is to express his concern, a sign that he treats you as more than just a contact, but a real friend. A "contact" would simply offer what help he/she can, if she feels like it, or just shut up otherwise, for what is the use of caring to him/her? You are as disposable as any other, useful only when the situation demands, simply a known name otherwise.

Friends are different, and although a simple display of concern may be useless, what should be treasured is the subtle feelings behind it.

Contacts will only display concern when they see an advantage, an opening they can jump into to better their position in relation to you. With friends, there is a thing called love, a universal connector greater than address books and business meetings. Concern born of love is innately a combination of many feelings, and pity one of them. I can't be removed. And it is not melavolent or the despicable sort of pity. Empathy.

Me: Pity is pity. So is sympathy. I can accept empathy, but not the first two.

Orca: How can you accept empathy but not one of the little things that make it what it is? It is hypocritical. We shouldn't draw lines around territories and emotions within the heart. It is more complex and undefinable than we can ever comprehend.

Me: Empathy is understanding and knowing that what the "victim" is going through might happen to the person himself. Pity and sympathy are merely, "Oh, this poor thing" feelings that express hypocrisy itself.

Orca: The pity and sympathy you speak of is a malevolent, unconcerned kind. It is precisely what contacts give you. But not friends. If they are that much to you, their concern is a form of real empathy. Like a light haze, there are hues, and while you can't box up a haze into subdivisions for analysis and differentiation, one should not look at a forest mist and scorn it as if it's dirty yellow haze. They are different, and that's about as much as I can say. There are not even the faintest of hidden lines between a fresh forest mist and the industrial smog a kilometre away.

So, that's only a portion of our whole conversation, but an important portion nonetheless. I had to post this portion out in its entirety so that I could better express what I wanted on this particular topic.

I guess we all have to learn to differentiate between a malevolent and loving sort of sympathy, between a desire for gain, and a desire to help. I mean, who would want their loved ones - especially their significant other - to express sympathy of any sort?

So just remember...

2006-07-14T06:48:00.000+08:00

It's been 7 months since this blog was started, and 11 months since we decided to get together and try things out. And to be honest, I never expected it to last this long.

Past few months for us have been a little turbulent on each other's part. Each made mistakes, each got hurt, each was sorry. And yet, after all that, we're still together, trying to make things work.

In about less than a month, it'll be our first year. From the 12th of the next month. One year... Man, it's been a long journey to get to this point.

Some wonder how the hell we stayed together this long, and I can't really say. But I guess, I can safely say, that one thing that got us staying together this long, was commitment.

For the past few months, things happened on both sides of the relationship. Some in relation to "us," some were personal. I wish they didn't happen, but then, life rarely grants what you wish, and you have to deal with it.

During those times, the thought of ending it came up more times than once. For each time I was hurt, and for each time when I caused the hurt. I kept on thinking, is this worth all the hurt and pain? I didn't want to get hurt, but most of all, I didn't want to hurt her. Hell, if at all, I want to help her, as much as I can, and for as long as I can. If I could, I'd want to help get rid of her troubles and worries.

But as much as I want to, sometimes it just doesn't help; that even whatever you do, won't change matters, or might not even be acknowledged at all.

And yet, I still find myself sticking around. Maybe it's the challenge from wanting to help someone, maybe it's cos I can't help but stick to hope, maybe it's cos I truly love her. And who knows? Maybe it's all of the above.

You wish you had all the cash in the world. You wish you could bring the other to a place where she'd find herself finally happy. You wish that you could let her have anything in the world, let her have her passions, let her smile, and just.... let her be.

Unfortunately, I don't have the cash. I can't bring her somewhere she'd finally be happy. And I can't let her have everything in the world, or her passions, or even smile...

Smile. Heh...

After all that, why do I stick around? When it seems that there isn't hope, or that I'm failing, or that it all just seems to get worse? False hope? No.

It's cos I've still not reached the point, when enough is enough. You should never get to that point, especially when you think the world of the other. So, the challenges are almost too tall an order. So you might get hurt, or cause hurt instead. But I'm still commited to helping each other. To us. To make things work.

Call me foolish. Whatever. But right now, I intend to be as strong as I can, so that I may carry the burden of both our troubles, or help ease it. Whether directly or not. Most of all, so that she won't have to be sad...

I want to make her truly happy...

I want to see her smile again.

Peace.

---

Added on July 14, 2006 at 9.45am by Casey

August 12, 2006. One year.

It seems that ever since last November, the "honeymoon" period of our relationship vanished. While most new couples were still going through the stage of enjoying each other's company, having fun, both of us were thrown into the maelstromic-whirlwind of learning about each other's faiths, dealing with the expectations of the other's parents, learning about each other, and going through turbulent stretches of doubts and joys, passions and anger.

Like Az has written, there were more than once I thought of ending it all, just walking away. And there came a point where I almost - just almost - walked away, never wanting to look back. But I didn't, because I gave a promise to him, that I'll try, and risk things. In the end, it might be for something, it might be for nothing. But who can know the future?

Sometimes, I feel as if I might have done him a great wrong just initiating the relationship in the first place. Pain: so much pain, just from being hurt, and from hurting.

So why, why do I stay?

Maybe because I'm still listening to that tiny voice inside of me, that voice I heard over 11 months back, telling me that trying for this is worth it...to risk this one. Maybe because I do care for him a lot, even if I don't show or acknowledge it much. Maybe because I see things in him I recognize in myself.

Maybe I do love him.

Two strangers staring, yet each seemed familiar
Common grounds formed from pain and fear.

2006-07-11T22:52:00.000+08:00

Az bugged me to post. So here I am.

I've never been a person to really take care of the "true" domestic affairs. Things like sweeping, mopping, cooking (especially), ironing, doing the laundry...all these drive me crazy. Especially cooking. Have I ever mentioned the first time I tried to bake a sponge cake and it turned out to be a rock cake? -_-

Being the eldest and very, well, boyish, I frequently deal with the electrical or mechanical stuff at home: repairing the TV, the PC, the home theatre set, the cooker, the lights...calling up maintenance for all these...dealing with the repairman...stuff.

So it was very much of a treat when I went to Az's house a few weeks back, and he offered to cook some pasta for the both of us. I mean, I helped with cutting the cheddar block into slices, and making two mugs of tea for both of us. But he did the cooking.

I enjoyed just sitting at the table and watching him busy himself about the stove, around the sink. He got weirded out by that, because I was grinning my head off watching him. It gave me a strange sort of contentment, though, gazing at his hands work. Don't ask me why; I don't know either. But no, it's not because of me thinking that he'd make a good potential husband or anything like that.

It was pure warmth and contentment. Simple as that. =)

2006-07-11T22:36:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since our last update hasn't it? Lol. Pardons!

Just to appease you, we've decided to share something that's been going on for a while between both of us. Especially when we get bored and don't know what to do. Heh. Trust me, it's the perfect time killer, and a really good way to learn about each other.

Basically, we just take turns telling each other things about each other. Doesn't have to be anything specific, as long as it has something to do with you, in any way. Here's an example. Heh.

---

c: I've got a phobia of any kind of phones: both house phones and mobiles. I once jumped out of my bus seat when someone text me on my mobile, earning strange looks my way.

a: Whenever I go to the toilet for 'big' business, I can't really do it without reading something.

c: I never used the main entrance when I was living in a bungalow as a kid. I'll climb the fence and enter over the wall.

a: I once was adamant that the Eiffel Tower was in London instead of Paris

c: I was forever afraid that durians would fall on my head during durian season, because there were two durian trees at my grandfolks' place. I like to use the small, unformed durians as weapons though.

a: Eggs scrambled with cheese are the best way to cook eggs for me.

c: I used to leave a trail of bread crumbs leading to a plastic bag. My sis and I would tie two strings to each handle, and hide, hoping that we'd catch a bird that way.

a: During pri 3, i used to be a prefect. Never continued after that.

c: I was selected for choir in Primary 3. Never made it past first round.

a: to make my toy cars fly, i used a rubber band to tie those orange combs on the top.

c: My uncle used to call me "Dumbo" after the flying elephant when I was younger, because he said I had big ears.

a: I've always wanted to try camel meat, but mum never allowed me for some unknown reason.

---

So, there you go. Might post up more when we can think of them, or remember them. Heh. Till next time. ;)

Peace...

2006-06-08T15:35:00.000+08:00

Helplessness. Support. Fairness. Appreciation.

I really don't know how to express this in words, what I'm feeling, except to ask questions. To each other. To everyone else.

Where do you draw the line, between hurting someone, and releasing your own hurt?

Is it fair to judge another just cos the person doesn't share your point of view?

Why does it mean so much to us, to have support in whatever we do, and to feel appreciated for even the littlest things?

How do you say something without hurting/disappointing/saddening another?

Where do you draw the line in helping, and trying to understand?

Where do you draw the line, when enough is enough?

---

Humanity is cursed with one flaw. They can never learn anything completely unless they've seen the amount of hurt, damage, sadness, pain, destruction, tears, death. Only then, will they be able to see what they've done, and then start to learn, or even repent.

It's the same with relationships. You will come to times, when regardless of how good your intentions or anything are, you will hurt someone, and that's when you learn that you shouldn't have done that, or imposed yourself, etc.

While learning is one thing, handling the lesson as you learn is another, whether you're the one that's felt hurt, or the one that caused it.

For the one being hurt, it's not fair for you to really take it out on the other, and then hold it against him or her, and never being appreciative of the fact that he or she tried to help, or offer support. For the one that caused it, it's not fair to think that whatever you said or did, regardless of your intentions, is reason enough for you to weasel out of hurting the other. Bullshit.

In both cases, it's especially fatal to let it drag on, making each other stir in guilt, hurt, and not really talking it out.

It's a cliche. Life's never fair.

But where do you draw the line, when you find enough is enough?

If you're really in it for the long haul, there should only be one answer to that question. "Never." There is no perfect relationship. You're bound to find some things in the other that will either disappoint you, hurt you, sadden you. The question is, whether you're willing to talk it out, and face it, not wanting to lose the support you've had with each other.

Support. Something we will always look for in our lives. Physically, financially, and especially, emotionally. Sometimes, the journey to look for that support can hurt a lot. We may find flaws or things we don't like in another that can shake a support you're already having.

However, do not be quick to judge the support based on those flaws, since they can be the most support you'll ever find, or to be more accurate, the most honest support.

Talk it out. Learn. And appreciate the lesson, and each other.

Peace outz...

2006-05-30T08:36:00.000+08:00

Pride goeth before a fall.

Mistakes: everyone makes them. What is a relationship without any mistakes? depriving of a chance to learn how to grow, and to make things better.

Help: it's something we all need at one point or another. Yet, not all of us have learnt how to ask for help without feeling that that act itself is a declaration of weakness.

The common theme running beneath the two?

Pride.

If mistakes, and making mistakes, are so common between any two people, the most logical conclusion I can arrive at is that any person would have been so immune to the mistakes of another that the mistakes themselves shouldn't even be placed high on any priority list. But then, why are so many mistakes blown up?

No, wait. A better question would be: why are mistakes able to make impactful marks on any relationship, mostly for the worse, when they are so common an occurence?

Tied in to mistakes, is the asking for help. Asking help from anyone at all can many times help to prevent the mistake from happening in the first place. But because it is commonly perceived as a sign of being weak, a sign of needing someone else, people avoid that.

Like many - if not all - others, I've made my fair share of mistakes. Better yet, I've shown my large share of stupidity because I was too proud - and maybe even too afraid - to ask for help when I really need it. But the act that takes the cake is that when another - namely Az - willingly offers help and strength even without my asking, and I refuse his help, refuse his strength, simply because I was - am - too pig-headed to want to.

I couldn't lower my pride enough to share my weaknesses.

Don't I trust him?
Yes, of course I do.

How much?
Very much.

So why?

Pride (and fear, maybe).

Simply because of that, I've said things sub-intentionally meant to hurt. I can't deny that. But yet, after these few weeks of my plain stupidity, I'm starting to learn how to see past that things which walks before me, blinding in its brilliance so that I see nothing else, and walk off the cliff. Even though it's not explicitly obvious, even to him, yeah, I'm starting to learn to veer from pride when I see it.

Or, at the very least, make up for the mistakes I did because of (or even not because of) it.

"In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two." - Erich Fromm

2006-05-29T14:44:00.000+08:00

Patience.

It's something that most of us in the world lack. We hate waiting in long queues, we hate it when someone nags, even if out of concern, we snap at people before we think about the consequence, etc. There are so many forms of patience in the world, and we lack all of them, especially in the relationships.

Things don't always go your way. In relationships, there are always ups and downs. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, and till this day, I believe that's true. Both parties have to work at it to make it a happy relationship. No exceptions. There is no class, no race, no religion, no shit. In whatever way you look at it, both have to work together.

Sometimes, you get angry at the other, and that's completely natural. We all make mistakes, big or small. But very few are good reasons for ending the relationship, if any at all. No, we usually decide to break a relationship based on something one did or not do, and hold it against them for a very long time, without even thinking about why it happened. There's no thinking from the other's point of view. Just your own. And this applies to not only the one who gets hurt, but the one who does the hurting as well.

Some guys are assholes, jerks, blah blah blah, and think they're like God's greatest gift to women. On the other hand, some gals think they're always right, and use PMS as the perfect excuse to get out of everything.

What I'm trying to say I guess, is that one shouldn't judge the other completely cos of that one mistake. Sometimes it's not their fault, sometimes it's theirs. There's always a reason, and both parties owe it to each other to at least listen to it. Be fair. But most of all, be patient.

Sometimes, I can't help but get annoyed when gals (or sometimes even guys) use PMS as an excuse for the moment. Yes, I know the gal is in pain, and sometimes is just not in the mood for much. But in my opinion, that doesn't give the gal an excuse for pretty much everything. The worst kind are those who insist on 3 ways of looking at PMS: Pre, Pro, and Post.

Guys aren't any better when it comes to handling the situation better. They don't remember that when it's THAT time of the month, extra sensitivity must be practiced, and they should remember that the gal is trying hard not to burst out in a prissy mood or anything at you, even though she's in pain. Instead, they shoot their mouth off, do things that even though both enjoy, she's not up to.

I think I lost my way somewhere about this post. But yeah. Hope you'll be able to see where I went with this post.

However, like I said, even though it barely has any regard to this post, it still is the best way to end it.

Patience.

Peace...

2006-05-21T20:22:00.000+08:00

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. - Henri Nouwen.

Sometimes, many times, in fact, so many situations are beyond one's control. However much we'll like to try to help the other, we can shoulder his problems for him. And too many times, we can't even begin to start taking away his pain, his fears.

After nine months of trying to understand, to learn how to support each other through our problems and pain, I've come to this conclusion, that even if there're problems, even if there is pain, the most anyone of us can do is not to try desperately to alleviate anything, to not force anything.

Because many times, there is nothing we can do to change the situation for the other. But I can help the person who's being affected by the situation, by giving him space and patience as he needs it, and just by being there.

As much as I'm able to.

As much as I can.

2006-04-27T18:08:00.000+08:00

Had just put down the phone after talking to Casey when I realised something, or remembered something that I've always had a problem with. Kept on thinking about it while I was showering and all, and decided to share it here before I completely forget it, or forget the gist of it.

I worry too much.

It's something that I've acknowledged as somewhat of a problem I've had ever since my poly days. I can worry about the smallest things, and sometimes, end up being more of an annoyance rather than a help to others.

Sometimes, I can't help it, especially when it comes to people who I feel have got something in their mind, and I end up following up cos my intuition said so. While I can be right, I can be wrong as well.

And lately, while I do find myself worrying about other things and people, I find myself worrying more about "us."

For every relationship, there are bound to be bumps on the road. There is no perfect relationship, even though 2 people might seem to each other the perfect companion or whatever.

Ours isn't a perfect relationship, and like many others, it has to be worked on to be made a happy and lasting one. Perhaps nine months might not seem long to some, but for us, and maybe especially me, it's quite a long time.

Sometimes, I find myself worrying that I'm not working hard enough for the relationship, that I'm doing the wrong things, making it sad, oligatory, whatever, and I end up trying harder while at times making more mistakes than before.

But during the shower, I realised something. I wasn't worried about the relationship.

I was afraid.

Perhaps it's true, that some people are not afraid of losing the other person, but are more afraid of losing the idea of having someone there. Someone to love, and receive love in return. Me, I don't know which is it that I'm more afraid of. But I can safely say, I am, afraid.

I'm afraid of losing her, and what will happen to me and her if that time comes. Not many people know this, but initially, we'd decided to give ourselves a deadline to our relationship. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, then we'll part our own ways. It was a bad idea. Our relationship ended up strained, and we ended up dreading the time coming more than trying to make the relationship work.

I was especially afraid.

I don't really know what the gist of this entry is. I might have just lost my way halfway through the entry. But I wanted to share my experience and my thoughts. This is what this blog is all about after all.

There're so many things in myself that I need to improve on, before I can truly help myself and others. This, is definitely one of them.

I asked myself once, what I'd be without her, or when we're not together.

I couldn't answer.

Peace...

2006-04-17T20:08:00.000+08:00

A thousand apologies for not updating this place, especially in light of the previous question. Heh. Been busy adjusting to a few things here and there, so I hope you can pardon me and Case for not being able to update this properly. Otherwise...well, just read on and maybe you'll forgive us after that.

But before I really go into it, let me tell you guys a story. A story of how we actually got together, right from the beginning. Yeah I know, you're wondering where this will lead to, but trust me. You'll get the idea. And hopefully a laugh out of it as well. ;)

Anyways, yeah. How DID we get together? Well, let's start with how we got to know each other first. She was a freshman in the course, and me a year 2. Got to know her through her friends: Rose, Yanz, and Faith cos these 3 were under my commitee (we were in the CMMIG crap last time). She asked to add me cos I was one of the few seniors she knew then, and I allowed it, even though we NEVER talked to each other online. Not till after I graduated. Heh. And you know what was the first thing I did to introduce myself? I went to hit her cap. >.<

I remember one time in the Mac Lab. She was doing her multimedia project, while I was probably just bumming around as usual. She asked if I could help her with something, and after I did, I saw that she was using a Batman soundtrack and we got to talking about comics. And for two people who didn't know each other, we were able to talk surprisingly well.

It got to the point where I actually missed talking to her when I went to Australia for a holiday with my family. From then on, it proceded to frequent lunches, talkings, outings, and going to the parks.

I'd invited her over to Lakeside one evening because she was feeling down, and thought that Lakeside might cheer her up. We'd walked over to Chinese Gardens and sat down, doing our usual talking, teasings and laughings, when she decided to ask.

Her: Hey, you mind if I ask you a question?

Me (surprisingly nervous cos of the way she asked): Umm, sure I guess. What'd you have in mind?

Her: Well...how do I say this...

Me: Hey...you know me. Ask away anything you've in mind.

Her: Well......what would you do if I told you I liked you?

Me (and of all the stupid reactions): *blinks, laughs*

Later on the train platform

Her (when the train comes): Guess I'll see ya online later then?

Me: *smiles*. But of course. *hugs* (in middle of hug). And guess what?

Her: ?

Me: I was actually thinking the same thing. *winks*.

---

Ever since then, and a very...close talk we had, we got together. And have been so for the past 8 months, still going. ;).

So yeah. A VERY long intro indeed (sorry!), but felt like sharing and thought it was necessary before I could really talk about the subject in hand.

How do you know that you love someone?

First off, I'm not the overly dramatic kind. Neither am I the overemotional type, opportunistic, nor pessimistic type. To a certain extent, I may be deemed a skeptic. But what I am in essense I guess, is a realist.

While I do find romance and sweet moments a nice thing, I find it kinda overrated now, especially in today's society. Not only in movies or TV, but even in real life.

Love. A word used too often, but mean too little.

So, even if you ask me now how do you know that you love someone, I wouldn't know what to tell you. Every person has his or her own intepretation of that. So there really isn't a single correct answer for that.

I can however say this. There are times when you just... know that you're in love, even at first sight. Other times, you might have to work on them, and the feelings will come only in time after the foundations of friendship have been built on.

One thing you have to keep in mind though in both these cases: and that is Love is NOT equal to lust. But... judging from what I've experienced... I can say however, that when you DO feel like you're in love...

You feel warmth.

Sounds crazy? Yeah well, shrugs. That's the best way I can put it ATM right now. I mean, it's not like a tingly feeling you get whenever the other's around, or the "I-can't-live-without-you" feeling as well. It's just... feeling warm.

You know the feeling when you're drinking a warm cup of chocolate on a cold day, the way it just warms you up from head to toe? That's the kind of warmth I'm talking about. Only better.

It's the kind of warmth you get, when the two of you aren't really doing anything, but just... enjoying each other's company, cuddling, hugging, etc. It's the kind of warmth and comfort you get when you know that though he/she might not be around sometimes, they'll try to be there as much as they can.

It's the kind of warmth you get when both of you are just.. being. No dinners. No movies. No romantic rendezvous under the moonlight in the middle of Paris with a rose in hand and violin music in the background. Just... being.

Case and me have come a very long way within the short span of eight months. We've learnt or re-learnt so many things along the way, and to a significant extent, helped heal each other's wounds, old or new.

Most of all...we learnt to love again. To respect, appreciate, trust, have faith in, and learn. We learnt to feel warmth again.

And that, in my opinion, is when you know you're in love.

Peace...

---

Added on 18 April, 2006 at 9.35pm by Casey

First off, a slight correction on Az's post above, about our conversation at Chinese Gardens when I told him I liked him. My exact words were:

How would you react if I told you I liked you?

And his reply was not to laugh, but to pause, and say, "Surprised, I guess."

Now that we've cleared things up...lol.

"Love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image...otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find them in." - Anon.

Love, these days, is simply a word of convenience, thrown around by many who claim they love him, they love her, deeply and truly. But what of the connotations behind the word? the idea? the very driving force which should propel what love truly means?

I can't say that love is selfless, because it isn't. Not totally, at least. How many times have you been with someone just because "he makes me feel loved," "she makes me feel wanted and needed"?

On the other hand, I can't say that I haven't seen selfless acts of love that really show love without strings attached: a mom risking her life for her child; a spouse giving up his/her kidney (and whatever other things precious to him) for his loved one. You get the idea.

Thus, to me, how I know I love someone - in this case, Az - is that I feel a need to balance out what I receive and what I give. There's always a temptation to be selfish, and demand a lot; but balancing that out is the compulsion of returning, of wanting the other to be happy, to grow as a person, to be whole.

"If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I." - Michel de Montaigne

That about sums it up.

2006-04-09T13:02:00.000+08:00

First off, apologies for not having updated sooner, but Az and I had both been dealing with problems of our own, and couldn't find the time to update.

Silverlycan (shall not use any real names here) was the only one who emailed me - boo - but since she did, I'll post her email up. =)

Az and I might/might not post on this. But a very big "thank you" to Silverlycan for her post.

---

By Silverlycan

You just know. You know when you were younger and you'd hear that you'd 'know' when you met 'the one' and you didn't believe them? It's true. You really do. You don't need to be told and you don't need to analyse the relationship in any way; it's just as clear as day.

But here are a few things that I've thought of.

You would do anything for that person. You would die for them.

You want to protect that person. Your heart aches when they are in pain or unwell. You would take away all their hurt and keep it for yourself if you could. You get angry and protective if there is any threat to your loved one verbal/physical or emotional.

That special person just needs to look at you for you to feel a million miles away. Their voice on the telephone makes you smile. When they talk you wish you could listen to that voice forever. They just need to smile to brighten up your whole day. The feel of their hand in yours makes your heart flutter and your body feel like it's walking on air. The kiss of their lips sends shivers down your spine. Their arm around you makes you feel instantly secure and safe. You feel like nothing can harm you.

That special person is your best friend. The best friend you've ever had.

You feel so comfortable with that person that you can't believe it. You remember times in the past when you hid behind your true feelings and the problems it caused. You feel you can say and talk about anything with this person. You fit together so well.

You understand each other. You can accurately guess how they will react to certain situations. You know them very well. You realise their 'faults' (as well as your own) and you understand and respect them. You don't try to change that person. You wouldn't want to.

Nobody can change your mind about that person. A million people could tell you they were wrong for you, but you'd know they were the wrong ones.

You feel incredibly lonely when you're apart from that person. The longer the separation, the deeper the loneliness.

You make sacrifices for that person without a second thought.

There is no regret because you're doing it for that special person.

There are no pretences. You are yourself. You are free.

You know that this is more than lust. You don't just want this person. You need them. To live.

You constantly find ways to make them happy, to make them smile...and you don't even realise you're doing it.

You can't imagine life without them and wouldn't want to.

You check with them before making plans for your future.

You are considerate and understanding of their likes and dislikes.

Forgiveness. You both talk through any problems or disagreements sensibly and your relationship is stronger for it.

You want to be with that person as much as you possibly can. That person is the centre of your universe. You start to miss them before they've even gone. Just knowing they'll soon be going makes your heart cry.

When your partner is happy, you're happy. When they're sad, you're sad.

Their emotions are reflected upon you. You hate it when they're sad and will do everything in your power to make them happy.

Your feelings about that person don't change; whether they're sick, grumpy, moody or unreasonable.

That special person inspires you to better yourself every day.

You wonder how you ever lived life before you met that person.

You accept and love every part of that person. Their insecurities and their imperfections. You love them as a whole.

You want nothing more than to spend the rest of your life with that person. You would happily go through debt, sickness and poverty, just so long as they were by your side throughout.

You feel like the luckiest person alive and you wish everybody could feel as happy as you are.

Most of all, you can't possibly list all of the little things that make you love that person. There are too many. It's every one of those little things collected up and packed away into a beautiful box and then wholly absorbed into your soul.

2006-03-27T22:47:00.000+08:00

While a "romantic" relationship is formed between two people, and the lessons learnt are frequently between the both of us, it doesn't mean that we can't learn from all you guys and everyone else, just as we hope you all have learnt something from our posts.

So...let's make the next post a joint effort of sharing and discussing:

How do you know that you love someone?

Please do provide explanations to support your reasons. There's no need for a thesis, but some substantial amount of explanations would be good, and definitely more interesting to read, wouldn't it? =)

Email to: skyfiery @ yahoo . com (without the spaces) by the end of the week. That is, April 2, 2006. I'll collate and post all the emails I get, and maybe Az and I will post something also. =)

So, c'mon. Mail away!

2006-03-23T13:55:00.000+08:00

In true love, there is fairness and balance. Love is not just liking someone. There must be communication, understanding and compromising. - Dicky Cheung Wai Kin

Communication.

That's the basis for all sorts of expression of feelings, of thoughts, of sensations. You communicate through words, through tonality, through volume, through sounds, through facial expressions, through smells, through sight.

Communication is the basis for understanding. Even a rock standing alone amidst the crashing waves can express a thought or a theme, or even a feeling, which can lead to understanding something.

There have been so many times, where I've seen people in relationships getting more-than-merely-angry with each other; there have been many times where presumptions and assumptions have led to the breakdown of many good relationships.

Where is the talking? Where is the understanding? Where is the communication?

Think about how many times you have not allowed someone - your other half, your siblings, your friends, whoever - to try explaining something just because you were angry at a presumed and assumed misunderstanding in the first place? And then, after you've calmed down and either that same person - or another - explained the situation to you, you feel stupid and regretful that you didn't slow down to allow the person to explain his/her side of things?

I've been guilty of not communicating many times in the past. And even now, my level and depth of talking can be increased so that many hurts could have been avoided in the first place.

Still, we both try. Az and I have a lot of issues between us, not the least which involves religions/faiths/beliefs. It's not that we don't respect each other, or each other's faith. In fact, we respect each other a lot, especially on those. It's just that both of us are simply unable to see the other faith from the believer's perspective.

That is a high-risk area for both of us. There are so many things between us, on the basis of faiths, that can be misconstructed and misinterpreted, if none of us had taken the trouble to sit down, sometimes day-after-day, to talk about it, to discuss, to offer our own perspectives, our own explanations. And what each of us requests, is merely the respect given, that even if one of us don't believe in the other's faith, we'll respect that he/she believes in it. And that is enough.

Communication.

At this point, once you've gotten beyond your willingness to communicate, there is another more subtle issue: the angle of communication and the depth of it.

For both of us, yes, we spent days discussing about the issue regarding religion. But things still broke down a little between us. We talked, so why? Why did things become so strained, still?

We were going about in circles, understanding, but evading the real point, evading the crux of the matter: whether two faiths can co-exist, with respect as their bridge. We tried too hard - consciously or otherwise - to make the other see things from our own perspective, forgetting for the moment that faiths and beliefs are two of the hardest ingrained things to change, because they shape our lives, and they shape who we are, who we want to be.

With willing communication, must come depth, angle, and finally, retro-/introspection.

We realized that we'd taken the wrong approach to talking about this particular issue, and have discussed a new approach, that we're willing to work upon.

Perhaps that was what salvaged things - and maybe, even this relationship - in the end.

2006-03-21T21:03:00.000+08:00

Everyone's probably heard it. "Follow your heart. It'll show you the right way."

It's practically a common theme you'll find in a lot of books, movies, and what not. Follow your heart, and it'll all be alright. Everything will fall into place magically, and there'll be a happy ending.

Bull. Absolute bull.

Perhaps I'm being a pessimist, or just not romantic enough to think that emotions or "heart" can somehow help you with whatever problems you're facing. But I completely disagree. Following your heart doesn't always give you a happy ending. Especially when you don't think about the consequences of your actions.

Let's put this in a common situation. Work.

How many times have we come into a situation where we just can't work with someone cos he/she doesn't agree to what we think, or thinks their idea is better than ours, and so on? How many times have we come into a situation where we don't want to work with someone just cos of a broken relationship, or best friend hates him/her, etc?

I could name so many more situations or circumstances, but it all boils down to this. We won't work with him/her just cos of emotional differences, obligations, yada yada yada. Even though that person might just be one of the best people to work with.

Part of me feels like I may have gotten my ideas and direction wrong in this, but whatever the case, I just want to emphasize one thing.

While you may long to follow your heart, and hope for the best, things won't always work the way you want it to. You have to find a balance. Between your head, and your heart. Love isn't as romantic or idealistic as what you see in the movies and what not. It's not something that can just happen, and will help you through everything.

You have to work at it. You have to find a balance in it. Only then, can you truly know what it's like, to feel warmth from someone. And be able to give warmth in return.

Welcome to the real world. You'll love better.

Peace...

2006-03-15T22:44:00.000+08:00

"Life is made of millions of moments, but we live only one of these moments at a time. As we begin to change this moment, we begin to change our lives." - Trinidad Hunt

Az and I spent our day jamming - him having his fill of drumming (like finally!) and teaching me some beats and giving me some pointers - and spending time together walking, joking, sitting down, lying down and feeling the wind over at Punggol Beach.

Moments.

As our relationship progresses (and I believe, as all relationship progress), things become more and more complex: there are more things, more factors to consider; more feelings arise, both negative and positive ones; life is taken into account; we learn how to live and be with each other.

As layers upon layers of complexities are laid on what the original core of the relationship was, we found ourselves losing sight of who we are, and who we both want to be, what we want our relationship to be. Perhaps it was fun; perhaps it was good to explore; but in the end, perhaps the complexities were not something we were ready to deal with, nor we were ready for.

Simple moments in the past became complex moments: filled with explorations, revelations, and desires.

Life is made up of everything, and yes, we enjoyed our moments filled with complexities. But we found that those soon obscured the basis for our relationship, and we started losing sight of the road we've walked upon.

We were given a chance today to re-find our path.

Spending a few hours at Punggol Beach, laying on the grass, listening to the howling of the wind, feeling the gentle warmth of the evening sun, talking, being quiet, stroking each other's faces, watching the sunset, giving each other support...all these led to the greatest joys found in the simplest of smiles, the most basic of touches: the squeeze of our hands on the other's.

There is no need to make things complex. I guess we both miss the "us" in our relationship a lot. Sure, there were a few self-gratifying moments for both of us, but...I guess we much prefer the "us" in our relationship, than the "me" in fulfilling our own wants. What's most important is that we must always remember not to let the complexities arising from the progression of a relationship to overshadow the core which should always be present: respect.

---

Added March 16th 2006, 1015pm by Azri

All relationships become more and more complex as time goes. Some end up for the better, others for the worse. Couples might end up expecting more from each other. Expensive gifts, grandesque dinners, romantic evenings, sex, etc.

For us, I guess it was kinda a little of between, but more towards better, with some worse (doesn't make much sense, I know, but bear with me).

Even though we felt good, and enjoyed it, there was just something.... missing about it. We were happy, enjoyed it, gratified, etc, but somehow, there was that little something that was missing from all of it.

At first, we couldn't really place a finger to it. We knew it was there, but yeah. We didn't know what it was, etc. Hence, the "break" we decided to take. The answer didn't exactly come right after the break, but it did come from yesterday, when we were at the beach.

We missed loving each other.

Sounds mushy? Yeah well, shrugs. I really can't place it in a better way, but yeah. We were trying out darndest to be there for each other, making each other happy, meeting up often etc. But we forgot that one simple thing.

It didn't take an expensive dinner. It didn't take an expensive gift or a long getaway to Waikiki or Paris (though we'd both be glad to go for a getaway. Heh). It didn't take a wild passionate time in bed.

All it took, was just a simple moment, to share each other's company, and just, well, be "us."

I'll prob fully admit, that I really did miss "us." And in a big way, I'm glad we managed to find it back before we either lost it completely, or went on to more dangerous, stupid, etc things.

I dunno why, but if one cannot love another without the gifts, holidays, sex, I don't see the point. You might as well work for life, and live on your own money.

No, that's not love. It's when even in the simplest of moments, when you miss someone, and you just want to be with him or her. That's when you know.

Respect. Trust. Learning.

Caring. Appreciating. Loving.

Delusion is a dangerous thing.

---

Added further by Azri

Just to share, a pic of us from that day...

Silly moment. Heh. =)

Peace...

2006-03-02T20:17:00.000+08:00

"Prudence and compromise are necessary means, but every man should have an impudent end which he will not compromise."
Tell a Friend-Charles Horton Cooley, Life and the Student

Before I really go into this post, lemme set the "scene" somewhat.

As most of you probably know, our relationship is not based on a same race, same religion, same characteristics, etc. She's Chinese, I'm Malay. I'm Muslim, she's a Shamanic Pagan. I'm more sociable, she's less. I could go on, but I think you guys get the gist, so yeah. Shall stop there before I actually get carried away with issues such as weight.

Anyways, back to the point. We're different people. Period. Regardless of the number of similarities we have in our core, we're still different people who decided to give it a try and get together. It's been a most wonderful 6 months so far, and, selfish as it may sound, I pray that there'll be many more months to come for the both of us.

Even, to a scary extent for people of our ages (we're only 21), we've actually considered getting together, tying the knot, co-habiting, etc. Yes, for people our age, our small education (both with diplomas) and measly finances (she just graduated, I'm serving National Service), we have thought about the "M" word.

Yes I know. It's only been 6 months into the relationship, and there's still a lot of time to go.

But thing is, to put it bluntly, we have to consider it. Our relationship doesn't fall into the category of "typical" relationships. We're different people, with different religions and beliefs, and for us to get together, there has to be sacrifices, or compromises.

That is the gist of this entry. Sacrifice, and compromises.

We're both pretty much realistic people when it comes to "love." While it is something we share with each other, we're not into the idea that there's only one person in the world for everyone. There are other people in the world definitely who can make us just as happy, and perhaps, even more so. Just that we happened to know each other now, and, like we usually say, went with the flow.

So, after 6 months into the relationship, we both actually sat down to talk about it, and be realistic with each other. We both know that for us to be together, both of us will have to make compromises and sacrifices. That's just how our relationship is, and to a certain extent, every single relationship out there.

Very rare are there relationships where everything just clicks, and 2 people are so compatible with each other, that every single thing works. For the rest, it's a matter of acceptance, sacrifice, and most of all, compromise.

To me, no relationship can work without one compromising for the other, and vice versa. Not just to make the other happy, but to make the relationship work. Both parties can't be too headstrong in their ideas, beliefs, habits, etc., and expect the other to work with you, or against you. We can't be too selfish, even though it's already in our genetics (for lack of a better work) that we tend to think of ourselves more before each other.

At times, we may even have to sacrifice a few things to make it work, to compromise with the other.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that every relationship is screwed up as it is, and that we MUST compromise or sacrifice every step of the way just to make it work. There are naturally just some things which can't be compromised or sacrificed. You have to accept them, and accept the consequences from them, good or bad.

A relationship isn't as easy as "I like you" and all that crap. There are many other things one must consider, especially relationships where both are pretty much very serious about each other.

For me and Case, like we mentioned in the previous entry, there are many things we still need to find out before we really can think about getting to that "stage." We need to learn about each other, what we're willing to compromise, what we're willing to sacrifice, and draw the line as to what both of us really can't change, and accept them.

To be honest, we're deathly afraid of learning, and finding out that in the end, things just weren't meant to be. But I guess, we've accepted that, and promised each other that whatever happens, we'll help each other, before, during, and after.

Think we care too much for the other to ever let that happen.

Compromise. Sacrifice. Acceptance.

Peace...

---

Added 03 March, 2006, at 9.25am by Casey

Any given relationship between any two people (or more) is characterized by a few things, and one of them, is choices/decisions, which tie in with compromises, sacrifices, and the value/weight added to these acts.

Person A: Culture A; Life A; Habits A; Everything-A.

Person B: Culture B; Life A; Habits B; Everything-B.

Of course, either person can be selfish, and manipulate the other into adopting his/her own culture, way of living, way of thinking, his/her friends, interests and what-nots. The list could go on.

To bring the cross-culture module we took in year two back in CMM, either can reject or assimilate each existing "culture." But for compromising, where's the common ground? Where's the "Life C" that each of us want to share?

It's not merely a matter of talking and introducing the topic of marriage into what we have to deal with. The first time I met Az's mom, she had already brought up the topic with me. And we both know, that for the relationship to lead up to marriage, we have to learn, and know what we're willing to do, to sacrifice, to learn, to compromise for each other in the first place.

Without the knowledge of what we can/are willing to sacrifice, it's a mere cul de sac for us. We both have plans, as individuals, before we've even met each other; now, we'd both like to include each other in our individual plans and make them shared.

I guess in the end, whether we remain together or not, even after all that learning, is how much weight and value we place upon each sacrifice and compromise we have to make.

2006-02-28T20:42:00.000+08:00

Weaknesses. Vulnerabilities.

All of us have our weak points, our foibles, our areas which formed the link of least strength. When you're alone, when you're with yourself, it's all and good: you don't really have to worry about your weaknesses. I mean, you're not going to manipulate and harm yourself so that you get yourself down, are you?

I thought not.

But what of others? When you're with others, no matter how close you are to the person, you'll constantly be worrying - whether a little or a lot; whether consciously or not - if the other will find out your weaknesses, and then mock at them, laugh at them, or worse, exploit them.

This applies not just to "romantic" relationships, but in all human interactions you can find: between friends, between family members, and even between parent and child (think Lionel and Lex Luthor).

So how can trust be formed between any two people, then? How can you trust that anyone won't make you feel bad and vulnerable just because he/she is stronger than you are, and have found out the weapon that is your weaknesses?

I've gone through relationships (generic term) where the other person tries to over-protect me, tries to be too aggressive in proving his/her ego. There have been times where I've gone through things which truly traumatize me, make me shudder and tremble, and what I get is someone trying to shoulder my fears out of the way, make me not face them, that he will face them for me.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Weaknesses will always be there, no matter how much you try to get rid of them. They're the chinks in your armor, the holes and weak joints in your carapace. You can be harmed by them, hurt utterly by them, penetrated, exploited, by those who know.

But will all those who know of your weaknesses cause you harm? You can never be sure. How, then, do you trust enough to create relationships in the first place, then? if you're constantly in fear of being exploited?

I'll use an analogical comparison between then and now.

My ex. was 24 then. I was 19. There was this time I'd gone out with him, and we'd gone our separate ways home. Waiting for the bus, I noticed this middle-aged man giving the once-over to a girl standing right beside me. I felt it was a lewd gaze, and apparently, the girl felt it also. She moved away, and being pissed, I blocked his gaze directly, moving into his line of vision, glaring.

Instead of being embarrassed, he did the same thing to me. I narrowed my eyes at him, and was secretly hoping he'd do something stupid so I could break his arm or stuff. He didn't; my bus came, and I went home.

When I went online that evening, I told my ex. what happened. And when one of our mutual friends - and one of my best friends - came online, and all three of us entered into a conference, when my friend asked what happened, my ex. told me to keep quiet, and he related the event to my friend.

I was pissed then. My friend was also surprised, and more than a little annoyed. To both of us, the event, though "bad," was not something I couldn't handle. This immediate egoistic (as felt by my friend and me) protectiveness to my perceived weakness and fear was unwarranted, and unsolicited.

He had intruded into my personal space, whether he knew it or not.

There are always lines that one should never, ever cross.

Now...for some reason, I feel like I can show my vulnerable side freely, that I can be vulnerable all I want. And I will not be made fun of, intruded upon, or even teased (whether in real jest or not). It's more than respect there. It's the assurance I get from knowing - and a constant reaffirmation on both our parts - that Az understands the fact that we all have weaknesses; he respects that fact. And by doing so, he is gentle in his strength, when faced with my weaknesses and fears; and in turn, I hope I've done the same with him.

It's the difference between a warm sunlight shining on the fragile growth of a seed, as compared to molten lava smothering the land.

It's the difference between the lake watering the soil, and intense ice frozen solid over the spaces in-between the soil.

It's the difference between ego, and a flow between strengths and weaknesses.

---

Added on 28th Feb 2006, 945 by Az

Lifted this from one of Case's old entries, so thought it best summarizes this post. ;)

"When you're with someone who's so different from you, and you keep wondering 'why?' think about this:

Place both your palms together, fingers to fingers.

Our fingers represent our good side, our strong traits, while the spaces between them are our shortcomings.

If we try to press our good sides to our partner, it will not work. It never will.

But if we let the other fill in the gaps - our shortcomings - then we create harmony."

"Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others."
- Robert Louis Stevenson

I don't exactly agree with him, but yeah. Just don't be afraid to share your fears with others, while sharing your courage as well. Treat the other with respect. And most of all, trust him/her, and love him/her for who they are, and not ridicule them for who they're not. Not easy I know, but give it a try. You'll learn not only as a partner in a relationship, but as a person.

And with that extent, Case, I wouldn't be where I am now if you hadn't helped me along the way as well, before, and now. *hugs tight*. =)

Peace...

2006-02-26T13:07:00.000+08:00

There comes a point in time for all relationships, where we need space for ourselves, to think, to take a few steps back and observe the overall picture once again, and to ask the question of why we got together in the first place.

No, we didn't break up, if that's what you're wondering.

It wasn't easy getting together; it's not going to be easy asking ourselves why we're still together, for what, and what we want our paths to be.

Every relationship is formed from one basic reason: attraction at first. Whether the attraction remains as just a simple like or evolves into something more depends on many other reasons. Maybe it might even become love: two people who really understand each other, and complements each other, sacrificing, understanding, learning, respecting, trusting.

Loving.

There are many who lose sight of their original paths, their original intentions for getting together, whatever they are. There are some who, from like, learn love, and then become more obsessed with the idea of love, than what love truly means, itself. There are some whom like turns to lust.

Perhaps he and I have never really defined why we got together. Yes, we had a lot of familiarity: a lot of the same underlying experiences, a lot of the same fears, the same pain. There was attraction formed from friendship.

Is the relationship one of convenience, then?
No, I don't think so.

This is turning out to be quite the ramble, with my thoughts going off-tangent. But I guess, what I'm trying to put across is: we all need some space, some time to ourselves, to learn better as individuals so that we can make a relationship work. It doesn't have to be a big thing: every little bit counts.

Even taking the time and space to redefine the drive and the framework of what you want your relationship to be, can help you learn, understand, and accept.

---

Added on 26/12/2006 by Az

What she said.

I think at a certain point of our everyone's lives, we all lose or forget the reason as to why we do or did things. It doesn't have to just e constrained to relationships. It can apply to many other things. Work, family, etc.

But this blog isn't about those matters, but more about us, the things we go through, and the things we learn from our relationship.

Don't get us wrong though. It's not that we're starting to get bored of each other, or starting to lose our feelings with each other. Think I can safely say that we both still do care/love each other, and that there isn't really anything other than personal obligations that prevent us from seeing each other more often or what not.

Even so, 6 months on, we've actually reached a point when we need some time to ourselves, sort out our thoughts and emotions, and like Case says, "look at the big picture" once again. Not cos our relationship is deteriorating, but cos we need to look at it again, and learn again why we got together in the first place, and not make our relationship evolve into something fluffy, something borne out of a "crush," something borne out of lust.

Truth be told, though we don't really show it that much to others or even ourselves, we really do value this relationship, and are willing to go through quite a lot to maintain it. Everyone needs their own space, even if for a while. But that's not gonna stop each other from still being there if the other needs it.

Peace...

2006-02-19T17:37:00.000+08:00

"Wilhelm Reich theorized that without the suppression of sexuality and the imposition of anti-sexual morality, you could not have an authoritarian government, because people would be free from shame, and would trust their own sense of right and wrong. Such people are unlikely to march to war against their wishes, and we would like to think they would be unlikely to agree to operate the death camps too."
-Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, The Ethical Slut

I think that speak for everyone from our generation that sex is a topic often brought up among our youths. Christians, Free Thinkers, Buddhists, Muslims, Chinese, Malay, Indians, every bloody one.

It comes to a point when people will think about what kind of positions are the best, when to lose their virginity, whether chastity is an overrated thing, what size are his manhood or her chest, etc. And to make things worse, it's come to a point when sex is viewed as something that HAS to be done to prove one's love to another.

Yes, perhaps I'm exaggerating it, but you have to agree, that wherever you go, you've prob heard a story about that guy or girl that's lost his virginity, gotten pregnant, shotgun marriages. And it doesn't apply only to those who are of this race or religion. It's happening everywhere, to everyone, everytime.

Hang on. This is turning out to be a rant post, so shall stop a while, and think again.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is that though sex is a wonderful thing, it has to be done responsibly, and not done out of lust, or as a deluded form of showing your "love" towards someone.

"Everyone can have sex, but not everyone can handle sex"
- Lilybird

Got that quote from a book me and Casey were reading in the library. It was about premarital sex among teens in America. I think it reflects almost everything that should be imprinted into us humans about sex.

Though our bodies are built for sex, not all our minds are built the same. We all view sex differently, some with fetishes, some who savour chastity, and even some who view it as a definite no-no even in marriage (which I honestly find stupid).

Personally, and I'm not speaking this from a view point of a Muslim, sex is not something that should be flung about like the day's trash. It is something that must be thought of carefully, responsibly, and respectfully. Whenever I think of someone who goes to see a prostitute, I actually feel revulsion towards them. But also, when I think about it carefully, it wasn't just revulsion. I actually feel sorry for them.

They may have to a certain extent fulfilled their sexual desires, but they prob have never done it with someone they truly love, or with someone they truly want to do it with not cos of her hot body or cos of his drop dead looks, but because you want to share a truly magical moment with that special someone.

I've nothing against sex. I just have something against sex which isn't responsible, is done out of lust, and is done without the full consent/trust/etc. of the other.

Sex is truly a wonderful thing, really. Man would prob be very miserable if he couldn't enjoy one of the best things life has to offer. But, if I could make a wish about it, I wish that man were responsible enough to acknowledge that sex is something that must be acted upon with respect, trust, and above all, love.

Personally, regardless of how much I'd want to do it, I would wait till the right time comes. Not just cos of religion (though it does play a big part), because I want to be responsible. I want to make sure that, when it does happen, that it won't be out of lust, and that it'd be a truly magical moment with someone I truly love. Some might ask, why not just do it now, and get it over and done with? To these people, I say: Why bother? You're never gonna enjoy it as much as till the time you've been waiting for comes.

'sides, sex isn't the only way of expressing love. Just remember, whatever it is, intimacy must be coupled with trust, and respect.

Peace...

---

Added on February 19, 2006, by Casey

What Azri said above.

Of course, to us, while semantics is sometimes - or, frequently - an annoying trait, in this case, both of us decided to add value to this intimacy, by re-defining and making all the sexual terms separate, not because we are anal, or have too much time, but because we want to always emphasize a respect towards the terms associated with this intimate a gesture.

Having sex.

Fucking.

Making love.

Honestly, there can be no making love without the trust that you know the other person won't hurt you, or belittle you; there can be no making love without respect towards the other, and towards the relationship as a whole, viewing the person as a person, and not an object, even in the midst of sexual gratification in the most respectful relationship.

I'm more sexually liberal: I'll admit it straight out. I am not against pre-marital sex, ethics-wise, and beliefs-wise. However, that doesn't mean I go around having sex with every person I'm attracted to. If there's no respect there, sure, you get physical gratification. But what's the value in that? (Of course, you might say it's not for the spiritual value, but hey, I like it. In that case, sure, to each his/her own)

Physiological-wise, Azri and I are both ready for sex (we're not suffering from any retarded growth in our system, thanks, ha-ha); and while, like I said, I'm all right with pre-marital sex, he's not. Does that make our relationship any less valuable?

Your opinion of that is, of course, arbitrary. But for myself, I respect him, and respect his wishes greatly. And though we both desire each other, a promise - a vow - has been made between us, that we will not have sex before marriage, no matter whether it's plain making love before marriage, or what-not.

2006-01-30T22:42:00.000+08:00

"Sometimes, you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too, - even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."
-Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays with Morrie.

Trust I feel, is a word used too often, and mean too little these days. Everybody more or less trusts each other, even if a little. But the problem with humanity sadly is that we tend to lose that trust easily, even though on some occasions, we've worked very hard for it.

Personally, I don't think any relationship can work without being able to trust the other. And I'm not just talking about being honest, truthful with each other, etc. I think it's too delusional to believe that each would never lie or cover the truth from each other. It happens. But that doesn't mean it should be abused la, so yeah. Once in a while, perhaps. Just don't overdo it, cos then you're just fooling not him/her, but yourself.

Either way, that's not the trust I was talking about. I guess, what I'm trying to say in reality, is that you should have faith in the other, that he or she can take care of themselves, and that they know you'll be around, or to that effect. In short, you have to believe that even though you're not there per se, or helping them, you still have to trust them.

Me, I've been guilty of worrying too much sometimes for my own good. Not only does it end up draining myself, but it also sometimes ends up irritating people. Some might disagree, and think that it's always nice to help others. Me? I've learnt that though they'd appreciate it, somtimes, they would still prefer to handle it by themselves. It's something that they have to do on their own, and we need to respect that.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I'm saying people should completely let them take care of themselves, and not give a care for their well-being and what not. What I'm trying to say, is to believe in their own strength.

They're people as well, and people aren't as weak as those "people" portrayed on tv. We're selfish, one way or another. That said though, it doesn't mean we should completely ignore them as well. You don't always have to be there to offer a word of advice, helping hand, etc. Sometimes, all you need to do is let them know that you won't be intruding, but will be around when they fall.

"He's doing okay. He knows he has support from all of you. Most importantly, he seems to believe that you'll let him fall if he has to, but that you'll be there right beside him. He knows he doesn't have to deal with this on his own. That's the key."

Took that out of a fanfic Casey gave me. So yeah. Prob sums up best what I'm trying to put through. :)

Peace.

2006-01-29T20:38:00.000+08:00

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them." -- Jennifer James.

Honestly, I've never experienced true jealousy before getting into this relationship. It may come as a surprise to people, but not to me, especially since I rarely covet what others have, and prefer to simply be contented with who I am, and what I do. While there have been moments of envy towards friends and others, those were rather more of spontaneous moments of small spurts of envy, which disappeared almost as soon as they came.

But this one...this particular jealousy towards someone...it's been going on for...what? a few months, at least? I know the why of my jealousy; it's the why I should feel that way that bothers me. Because jealousy is not only painful, but it can also cause a lot of resentment, towards myself as well as towards all the parties involved; it can eat me up from the inside.

I refuse to unacknowledge the existence of this jealousy: it is there, whether I like it or not. To say it's not there is a blatant lie to myself that I will not believe. So now, what matters is how I deal with it, and how I acknowledge it and understand it, and then let it go. And to do that, I think I'm going to drum (shamanic journeying), going within to find the cause, to find healing.

I guess it's only when both parties in a relationship know how to live/be together and separately, that the relationship can really work out. Because, being together doesn't mean that we smother and become obsessed with each other; we're still individuals with our own lives to lead.

2006-01-15T23:20:00.000+08:00

"Troubles are part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough." - Dinah Shore

I find it strange that it's frequently--if not always--the ones whom we love the most, we 1) hurt the most; 2) keep worrying things from the most.

My taekwondo instructor preferred using me as his listening board, than telling his wife about his problems. And when I asked him why, he said he didn't want to worry her: his loved one.

We always don't want the ones we love to worry about us, because we see no point in that. On the other side, they want to know about our problems because they love us. See the irony there?

But then, Dinah Shore is right. If we claim to love someone fully, we cannot say that we love merely his (generic term) good points, because no one is made up only of his good aspects, only. We've all got our negativities, our foibles, our idiosyncrasies. To share one portion, one aspect, we have to share all, to be able to learn.

I guess the main thing is about balance here: one can't overtake, nor should he over-hide things. Or else, his loved one merely loves an aspect of himself, a twisted version, a version created in the other's image.

And...I guess I have to learn that, too.

2006-01-14T16:13:00.000+08:00

Family.

It's the one thing that we're definitely born with, and something that almost everyone cannot live without. No, I'm not talking about the extended family, like uncles, aunties, nephews, cousins twice removed, etc. I'm referring more to the immediate family. Father, mother, brother, sister.

They're the ones who've seen you the longest and the most in your life. They've seen you when you first started quarreling, first started walking, your first day at school, the first beating, etc.

So, it's more or less natural for them to be a part of you as well, even when you're in a relationship with someone.

Let me try to clarify that further.

Being in a relationship, it's not just the other person you have to think about. Yes, he/she is the one you like/care/love, etc. But you can't just take her away, and pretend everything will be all right. For one, there's the person's family to think about. Will they like you? Will they approve of you guys being together? The questions are endless, and personally, even I would want to know about the relationship first before anything. It'd be the least the other person can do for me.

Me and wolf, we've already met each other's family. And let me tell you something, we were nervous as heck when it came to meeting them. Maybe it's cos we were pretty serious about each other or something I dunno, but we sure as heck didn't want them to have a bad impression on us.

In fact, we wanted them to at least, just know about us, and maybe, trust us as well. We wanted them to know that we could be trusted to take care of each other, religion wise, person wise, and especially, responsibility wise. We didn't want them to think that our relationship was just something "foolish," something that came about from lust, casual fling, etc. Cos it was definitely more than that. It was something that developed from friendship, respect, etc.

I guess, in essence, we wanted them to trust us to not become like some other couples with "shotgun" marriages, irresponsible behaviour, and others. We wanted them to know about us, be all right with us, and trust us. We also wanted to know more about each other's families, and respect them as well.

Yeah, I've mentioned trust more than a few times in this entry alone. But I cannot emphasize enough, how much that trust means to us. Especially to me. I don't think either one of us would want to be in a relationship which was completely disapproved by either family. We don't want a relationship that will tear family apart, especially our immediate family.

After all, they're the ones that've been with us the most. And very likely, the ones that love and care for us the most.

Peace...

2006-01-13T23:50:00.000+08:00

Thought I'd try to start off this place by sharing something both of us composed. Maybe it'll give a better meaning as to why we got together.

Will talk more about it later. ;)

Peace.

2006-01-08T09:36:00.000+08:00

Hi all. First off, yeah, what Drake said below in his post. I shall not be repetitive, so, we shall let his post introduce the whole gist of this place.

Maybe I should reminisce some.

It's been almost five months--four more days to five months, in fact--since we decided to try things out. And even now, if you ask us why we got together, I can assure you none of us knows the reason/s, nor will be able to give you anything more solid than these two lines:

Two strangers staring, yet each seemed familiar
Common grounds formed from pain and fear.

It doesn't really matter who we think we are, or who we think we're not. But when it comes right down to it, we're both way too similar, despite not having known each other well past nine months, maybe?

He and I come not from two different worlds, but from two different viewpoints on life. Where he is a Muslim, I'm an eclectic shamanic pagan; where he's more sociable, I prefer a lot of reclusiveness, and defend my territory very fiercely; where he's this, I'm that. You get the gist.

It's not really a case of opposites attract, I don't think. Maybe, after all this time, it's more a case of two familiar strangers treading down one single road they've both been walking on alone before.

Things haven't been easy, and without fear, without compromise. Being together, we're not in our own world. We're both too disillusioned to even hope for that. We know that in being together, we're bringing two families, two sets of friends, two beliefs together.

Two forked roads merging into one.

It's still not going to be easy. We know each other relatively well already, but we still have to learn about each other.

Respect, trust, learning.

2006-01-07T23:33:00.000+08:00

Testing...

Don't know if anyone will read this, but in any case, heys.

This place is more or less gonna be a place where me (drake) and wolf share our views on what we've been through in the relationship we now have. Some might have slight misgivings about reading this place, fearing that it might be very fuff and all, and truth be told, both of us are afraid of it as well.

But, I guess anything's worth a try. We both wanna share what we learnt, been through, and maybe, teach someone about it as well, share opinions, discussions, etc. Also, maybe it's cos we just want to be able to write out our experiences somewhere, and reflect as well.

Hope it all works out. :)

Peace.