Had just put down the phone after talking to Casey when I realised something, or remembered something that I've always had a problem with. Kept on thinking about it while I was showering and all, and decided to share it here before I completely forget it, or forget the gist of it.

I worry too much.

It's something that I've acknowledged as somewhat of a problem I've had ever since my poly days. I can worry about the smallest things, and sometimes, end up being more of an annoyance rather than a help to others.

Sometimes, I can't help it, especially when it comes to people who I feel have got something in their mind, and I end up following up cos my intuition said so. While I can be right, I can be wrong as well.

And lately, while I do find myself worrying about other things and people, I find myself worrying more about "us."

For every relationship, there are bound to be bumps on the road. There is no perfect relationship, even though 2 people might seem to each other the perfect companion or whatever.

Ours isn't a perfect relationship, and like many others, it has to be worked on to be made a happy and lasting one. Perhaps nine months might not seem long to some, but for us, and maybe especially me, it's quite a long time.

Sometimes, I find myself worrying that I'm not working hard enough for the relationship, that I'm doing the wrong things, making it sad, oligatory, whatever, and I end up trying harder while at times making more mistakes than before.

But during the shower, I realised something. I wasn't worried about the relationship.

I was afraid.

Perhaps it's true, that some people are not afraid of losing the other person, but are more afraid of losing the idea of having someone there. Someone to love, and receive love in return. Me, I don't know which is it that I'm more afraid of. But I can safely say, I am, afraid.

I'm afraid of losing her, and what will happen to me and her if that time comes. Not many people know this, but initially, we'd decided to give ourselves a deadline to our relationship. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, then we'll part our own ways. It was a bad idea. Our relationship ended up strained, and we ended up dreading the time coming more than trying to make the relationship work.

I was especially afraid.

I don't really know what the gist of this entry is. I might have just lost my way halfway through the entry. But I wanted to share my experience and my thoughts. This is what this blog is all about after all.

There're so many things in myself that I need to improve on, before I can truly help myself and others. This, is definitely one of them.

I asked myself once, what I'd be without her, or when we're not together.

I couldn't answer.

Peace...