Respect. Trust. Learning.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Weaknesses. Vulnerabilities.

All of us have our weak points, our foibles, our areas which formed the link of least strength. When you're alone, when you're with yourself, it's all and good: you don't really have to worry about your weaknesses. I mean, you're not going to manipulate and harm yourself so that you get yourself down, are you?

I thought not.

But what of others? When you're with others, no matter how close you are to the person, you'll constantly be worrying - whether a little or a lot; whether consciously or not - if the other will find out your weaknesses, and then mock at them, laugh at them, or worse, exploit them.

This applies not just to "romantic" relationships, but in all human interactions you can find: between friends, between family members, and even between parent and child (think Lionel and Lex Luthor).

So how can trust be formed between any two people, then? How can you trust that anyone won't make you feel bad and vulnerable just because he/she is stronger than you are, and have found out the weapon that is your weaknesses?

I've gone through relationships (generic term) where the other person tries to over-protect me, tries to be too aggressive in proving his/her ego. There have been times where I've gone through things which truly traumatize me, make me shudder and tremble, and what I get is someone trying to shoulder my fears out of the way, make me not face them, that he will face them for me.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Weaknesses will always be there, no matter how much you try to get rid of them. They're the chinks in your armor, the holes and weak joints in your carapace. You can be harmed by them, hurt utterly by them, penetrated, exploited, by those who know.

But will all those who know of your weaknesses cause you harm? You can never be sure. How, then, do you trust enough to create relationships in the first place, then? if you're constantly in fear of being exploited?

I'll use an analogical comparison between then and now.

My ex. was 24 then. I was 19. There was this time I'd gone out with him, and we'd gone our separate ways home. Waiting for the bus, I noticed this middle-aged man giving the once-over to a girl standing right beside me. I felt it was a lewd gaze, and apparently, the girl felt it also. She moved away, and being pissed, I blocked his gaze directly, moving into his line of vision, glaring.

Instead of being embarrassed, he did the same thing to me. I narrowed my eyes at him, and was secretly hoping he'd do something stupid so I could break his arm or stuff. He didn't; my bus came, and I went home.

When I went online that evening, I told my ex. what happened. And when one of our mutual friends - and one of my best friends - came online, and all three of us entered into a conference, when my friend asked what happened, my ex. told me to keep quiet, and he related the event to my friend.

I was pissed then. My friend was also surprised, and more than a little annoyed. To both of us, the event, though "bad," was not something I couldn't handle. This immediate egoistic (as felt by my friend and me) protectiveness to my perceived weakness and fear was unwarranted, and unsolicited.

He had intruded into my personal space, whether he knew it or not.

There are always lines that one should never, ever cross.

Now...for some reason, I feel like I can show my vulnerable side freely, that I can be vulnerable all I want. And I will not be made fun of, intruded upon, or even teased (whether in real jest or not). It's more than respect there. It's the assurance I get from knowing - and a constant reaffirmation on both our parts - that Az understands the fact that we all have weaknesses; he respects that fact. And by doing so, he is gentle in his strength, when faced with my weaknesses and fears; and in turn, I hope I've done the same with him.

It's the difference between a warm sunlight shining on the fragile growth of a seed, as compared to molten lava smothering the land.

It's the difference between the lake watering the soil, and intense ice frozen solid over the spaces in-between the soil.

It's the difference between ego, and a flow between strengths and weaknesses.

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Added on 28th Feb 2006, 945 by Az

Lifted this from one of Case's old entries, so thought it best summarizes this post. ;)

"When you're with someone who's so different from you, and you keep wondering 'why?' think about this:

Place both your palms together, fingers to fingers.

Our fingers represent our good side, our strong traits, while the spaces between them are our shortcomings.

If we try to press our good sides to our partner, it will not work. It never will.

But if we let the other fill in the gaps - our shortcomings - then we create harmony."

"Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others."
- Robert Louis Stevenson

I don't exactly agree with him, but yeah. Just don't be afraid to share your fears with others, while sharing your courage as well. Treat the other with respect. And most of all, trust him/her, and love him/her for who they are, and not ridicule them for who they're not. Not easy I know, but give it a try. You'll learn not only as a partner in a relationship, but as a person.

And with that extent, Case, I wouldn't be where I am now if you hadn't helped me along the way as well, before, and now. *hugs tight*. =)

Peace...

Casey blew the autumn leaves at 8:42 PM

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Sunday, February 26, 2006

There comes a point in time for all relationships, where we need space for ourselves, to think, to take a few steps back and observe the overall picture once again, and to ask the question of why we got together in the first place.

No, we didn't break up, if that's what you're wondering.

It wasn't easy getting together; it's not going to be easy asking ourselves why we're still together, for what, and what we want our paths to be.

Every relationship is formed from one basic reason: attraction at first. Whether the attraction remains as just a simple like or evolves into something more depends on many other reasons. Maybe it might even become love: two people who really understand each other, and complements each other, sacrificing, understanding, learning, respecting, trusting.

Loving.

There are many who lose sight of their original paths, their original intentions for getting together, whatever they are. There are some who, from like, learn love, and then become more obsessed with the idea of love, than what love truly means, itself. There are some whom like turns to lust.

Perhaps he and I have never really defined why we got together. Yes, we had a lot of familiarity: a lot of the same underlying experiences, a lot of the same fears, the same pain. There was attraction formed from friendship.

Is the relationship one of convenience, then?
No, I don't think so.

This is turning out to be quite the ramble, with my thoughts going off-tangent. But I guess, what I'm trying to put across is: we all need some space, some time to ourselves, to learn better as individuals so that we can make a relationship work. It doesn't have to be a big thing: every little bit counts.

Even taking the time and space to redefine the drive and the framework of what you want your relationship to be, can help you learn, understand, and accept.

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Added on 26/12/2006 by Az

What she said.

I think at a certain point of our everyone's lives, we all lose or forget the reason as to why we do or did things. It doesn't have to just e constrained to relationships. It can apply to many other things. Work, family, etc.

But this blog isn't about those matters, but more about us, the things we go through, and the things we learn from our relationship.

Don't get us wrong though. It's not that we're starting to get bored of each other, or starting to lose our feelings with each other. Think I can safely say that we both still do care/love each other, and that there isn't really anything other than personal obligations that prevent us from seeing each other more often or what not.

Even so, 6 months on, we've actually reached a point when we need some time to ourselves, sort out our thoughts and emotions, and like Case says, "look at the big picture" once again. Not cos our relationship is deteriorating, but cos we need to look at it again, and learn again why we got together in the first place, and not make our relationship evolve into something fluffy, something borne out of a "crush," something borne out of lust.

Truth be told, though we don't really show it that much to others or even ourselves, we really do value this relationship, and are willing to go through quite a lot to maintain it. Everyone needs their own space, even if for a while. But that's not gonna stop each other from still being there if the other needs it.

Peace...

Casey blew the autumn leaves at 1:07 PM

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Sunday, February 19, 2006

"Wilhelm Reich theorized that without the suppression of sexuality and the imposition of anti-sexual morality, you could not have an authoritarian government, because people would be free from shame, and would trust their own sense of right and wrong. Such people are unlikely to march to war against their wishes, and we would like to think they would be unlikely to agree to operate the death camps too."
-Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, The Ethical Slut

I think that speak for everyone from our generation that sex is a topic often brought up among our youths. Christians, Free Thinkers, Buddhists, Muslims, Chinese, Malay, Indians, every bloody one.

It comes to a point when people will think about what kind of positions are the best, when to lose their virginity, whether chastity is an overrated thing, what size are his manhood or her chest, etc. And to make things worse, it's come to a point when sex is viewed as something that HAS to be done to prove one's love to another.

Yes, perhaps I'm exaggerating it, but you have to agree, that wherever you go, you've prob heard a story about that guy or girl that's lost his virginity, gotten pregnant, shotgun marriages. And it doesn't apply only to those who are of this race or religion. It's happening everywhere, to everyone, everytime.

Hang on. This is turning out to be a rant post, so shall stop a while, and think again.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is that though sex is a wonderful thing, it has to be done responsibly, and not done out of lust, or as a deluded form of showing your "love" towards someone.

"Everyone can have sex, but not everyone can handle sex"
- Lilybird

Got that quote from a book me and Casey were reading in the library. It was about premarital sex among teens in America. I think it reflects almost everything that should be imprinted into us humans about sex.

Though our bodies are built for sex, not all our minds are built the same. We all view sex differently, some with fetishes, some who savour chastity, and even some who view it as a definite no-no even in marriage (which I honestly find stupid).

Personally, and I'm not speaking this from a view point of a Muslim, sex is not something that should be flung about like the day's trash. It is something that must be thought of carefully, responsibly, and respectfully. Whenever I think of someone who goes to see a prostitute, I actually feel revulsion towards them. But also, when I think about it carefully, it wasn't just revulsion. I actually feel sorry for them.

They may have to a certain extent fulfilled their sexual desires, but they prob have never done it with someone they truly love, or with someone they truly want to do it with not cos of her hot body or cos of his drop dead looks, but because you want to share a truly magical moment with that special someone.

I've nothing against sex. I just have something against sex which isn't responsible, is done out of lust, and is done without the full consent/trust/etc. of the other.

Sex is truly a wonderful thing, really. Man would prob be very miserable if he couldn't enjoy one of the best things life has to offer. But, if I could make a wish about it, I wish that man were responsible enough to acknowledge that sex is something that must be acted upon with respect, trust, and above all, love.

Personally, regardless of how much I'd want to do it, I would wait till the right time comes. Not just cos of religion (though it does play a big part), because I want to be responsible. I want to make sure that, when it does happen, that it won't be out of lust, and that it'd be a truly magical moment with someone I truly love. Some might ask, why not just do it now, and get it over and done with? To these people, I say: Why bother? You're never gonna enjoy it as much as till the time you've been waiting for comes.

'sides, sex isn't the only way of expressing love. Just remember, whatever it is, intimacy must be coupled with trust, and respect.

Peace...

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Added on February 19, 2006, by Casey

What Azri said above.

Of course, to us, while semantics is sometimes - or, frequently - an annoying trait, in this case, both of us decided to add value to this intimacy, by re-defining and making all the sexual terms separate, not because we are anal, or have too much time, but because we want to always emphasize a respect towards the terms associated with this intimate a gesture.

Having sex.

Fucking.

Making love.

Honestly, there can be no making love without the trust that you know the other person won't hurt you, or belittle you; there can be no making love without respect towards the other, and towards the relationship as a whole, viewing the person as a person, and not an object, even in the midst of sexual gratification in the most respectful relationship.

I'm more sexually liberal: I'll admit it straight out. I am not against pre-marital sex, ethics-wise, and beliefs-wise. However, that doesn't mean I go around having sex with every person I'm attracted to. If there's no respect there, sure, you get physical gratification. But what's the value in that? (Of course, you might say it's not for the spiritual value, but hey, I like it. In that case, sure, to each his/her own)

Physiological-wise, Azri and I are both ready for sex (we're not suffering from any retarded growth in our system, thanks, ha-ha); and while, like I said, I'm all right with pre-marital sex, he's not. Does that make our relationship any less valuable?

Your opinion of that is, of course, arbitrary. But for myself, I respect him, and respect his wishes greatly. And though we both desire each other, a promise - a vow - has been made between us, that we will not have sex before marriage, no matter whether it's plain making love before marriage, or what-not.

W|LD_CARD blew the autumn leaves at 5:37 PM

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